“Why are you smiling? What are you listening to?” were my family’s words when they looked at me with curious and concerned eyes, wondering why I was laughing on my own or smiling at nothing.
Recently, I was paralyzed with depression, as I watched myself “fail” in life. (READ: I have depression and it feels good to admit it)
The existential crisis which has loomed over me since I was a sophomore had caught up with me in my final year in college. I found myself entrapped in the same state of depression, lack of motivation and simple lifelessness I struggled with after having kept myself busy and accomplished for the last two years.
Those feelings had made me introspective and self-absorbed. I admitted defeat, feeling the overwhelming confusion and chaos. I wanted to isolate myself from the rest of the world, in fear of nobody understanding what I’m going through. They might dismiss “it” as drama.
I made the conscious effort to seek help. I tried taking action, but my efforts were futile. People tried to talk to me and give advice but, at the end of the day, I was left battling with my demons.
Finding myself again
We didn't have the resources to consult a therapist, so I fared on my own. I found myself in a state of inaction which led to my inability to continue my responsibilities as a student, leader, and daughter. Waking up was a struggle; smiling, a strain.
I thought a relationship would lift me up, but it only pulled me down. Many times I found myself hiding in the chapel, just to burst out in tears, asking God, "How?" (READ: Dealing with depression)
I remember being taught religious practices as a child, as I was raised with Catholic ideals and sent to a private Catholic school. These ideals were questioned when I entered college; although it was hard to reconcile, I eventually patched it up.
I was becoming less of a Catholic by practice, as I sought other religions.
When I failed to graduate last semester, I moved through the days that followed by doing menial tasks. My family and friends helped and I am grateful. Not being able to graduate was enough of a burden for a family of 8, but my family has been such a strong support system.
One day, I tuned in to a Christian podcast. It was a prayer. No, it wasn’t like the ones I recited. It was simpler, quieter. I continued listening to that podcast and I felt my faith - the faith I have long forgotten to nurture since I got lost.
Psychologically, the response to my situation could perhaps be explained by the power of positivity – which somehow explains the necessity for the invention of religion.
That day, however, when I finally felt something good within me again, I chose to let all my thinking and rationalizing go. It was though letting go and having genuine faith – that there is a higher purpose – was the only thing that I have to do to free myself and gently put myself back together.
And the magic turns out to be effective: I found myself back on my feet. I’m back to hoping, dreaming, and believing that I can bounce back in life.
Here I am, writing again.
It wasn’t being a Catholic that helped me cope with my situation, it was the forging of my faith, no matter which religion I’m in.
I have now learned to trust. — Rappler.com
Allison Danao is currently finishing her thesis in Communication Arts at the University of the Philippines Los Banos.